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No, 'Speed Racer' No!

By Daniel Montgomery

Friday, May 9, 2008

Do you ever look at a cast list and just cry? ‘Speed Racer’ stars an Emmy-winner (John Goodman) and an Oscar-winner (Susan Sarandon), two actors from critically acclaimed television series (Scott Porter from Friday Night Lights and Matthew Fox from Lost), a gifted former child star (Christina Ricci), and the erstwhile Shaft (Richard Roundtree). Most disheartening is that the title role is played by Emile Hirsch, who barely half a year ago broke through with a courageous performance in Sean Penn’s great film ‘Into the Wild’ — is this his reward?

How do we explain the participation of such a pedigreed ensemble in such a witless film as this? Are they all repped by the same maniacal talent agent, in cahoots with a sadistic casting director? Did they sign their contracts under duress? Did they not read the screenplay? Was there a screenplay? Was there anything shaped like a screenplay circulating around the set during filming? Did the studio approve it, or did the pitch meeting consist of a summary of visual effects shots and marketing schemes? Who was this film made for? The action seems to be aimed at teenagers, but the storylines, characters, and rainbow-colored visuals seem pitched at preschoolers, and even they might cringe. I reason that it’s suitable for no one, and no one should see it.

Based on the Japanese animated series from the 1960s, ‘Speed Racer’ comes in the midst of a growing trend in effects pictures, where flesh-and-blood characters interact with a virtual setting. Films like ‘300’ and the ‘Star Wars’ prequels have led the charge, but in the wrong direction. ‘300’ was all sizzle and no steak, and the recent ‘Star Wars’ films were so slavishly devoted to CGI that it seems there was little attention paid to dialogue or characters. The fundamental problem, as a viewer, is that technology has not advanced far enough to truly bridge the gap between the actors and their environment; the actors performing in front of green screens always look like they’re performing in front of green screens. One film has gotten it right: ‘Sin City’, directed by Robert Rodriguez and Frank Miller, proving that it takes an artist, not just a technician, to pull it off.

‘Speed Racer’ may be the worst offender to date, because the disconnect between character and setting is so pronounced. Everything looks gaudy, plastic, and fake, and the actors standing in front of it look like kids doing pantomime in front of their Saturday morning cartoons — is this what Warner Brothers spent an estimated $100 million dollars on? I’m too young to reminisce about the good old days, but what I wouldn’t give for great sets and locations, instead of this, which looks like it was cobbled together on Photoshop.

The action is equally an eyesore, which is even more damning at the outset of the summer movie season. Much thought was put into designing elaborate race tracks and cars, but little thought was put into how to use them. The directors, Andy and Larry Wachowski, previously made ‘The Matrix’ films and thus have a lot of experience throwing money at bad screenplays, but their action scenes are usually first-rate. Not here, where they fall into the trap of thinking that more cuts equals better action. Scenes look like they were run through a Cuisinart and then assembled at random. The filmmakers seem to think visual logic doesn’t matter — as long as there are bright colors, loud noises, and relentless explosions, the masses will be bludgeoned into stupid delight. It doesn’t help that the chase and fight sequences have Wyle E. Coyote’s understanding of physics. Who cares that Speed is a great driver when the things he does could never be done by anyone, anywhere, in anything resembling a car?

The plot — I have put off discussing the plot. It has something to do with a vast corporate conspiracy to fix races and control stock prices and … no, it’s not worth it. The plot doesn’t matter, except to establish who is good and who is evil, and the conspiracy is rattled off so hastily that it’s clear even the filmmakers don’t care. All you need to know is that a young man named Speed Racer (that’s his legal name — I wonder if his nickname is Bob) is following in the footsteps of his deceased older brother and must defend his family’s honor. Yet the Wachowskis manage to obfuscate even this, needlessly jumping back and forth in time during the first act, perhaps to make it seem more interesting than it is.

The film is never funny when it wants to be and hilarious when it’s trying to be serious. An example of the first is Speed’s little brother Spritle (Paulie Litt), who ranks among the most obnoxious child characters in film. I try not to be too hard on kids in the movies, and Litt may be a perfectly sweet child in real life, but here he’s made to put on a smug, ingratiating show of himself, to be precociously “cute,” but he’s actually very creepy. The film would be 80% better if all of his scenes were cut out, but then the entire film improves in direct proportion to the number of scenes removed from it.

An example of the latter is — where do I start? How about the scene where Speed feels his car tell him to put it in fifth gear, and then wins in record time despite having stalled out for five minutes. Or the one where the mysterious Racer X (Fox) tells Speed, “You don’t climb into a T-180 to be a driver. You do it because you’re driven.” Or the one where Speed recalls his brother’s death while flashback scenes scroll behind him like a giant ViewMaster.

‘Speed Racer’ provoked an involuntary physical reaction from me, as if my body were rejecting a contagion. My hands tensed in a choking motion. I pulled my hair, rolled my eyes, gave an abrupt kick to the barrier in front of me that might have brought down the entire mezzanine. Once, I convulsed in dumbfounded laughter so hard I had to cover my head with my jacket so as not to disturb others. At one point, Speed’s girlfriend Trixie (Ricci) warns him, “It’s getting ugly out there!” Trix, you don’t know the half of it.